Occam's Can Opener
by indraaas
Summary: One stitch later, Sakura realizes all of her life's problems can be directly traced back to people whose last names start with 'U'.


**A/N:** Part of a mass migration of selected fics from my tumblr. This request was super fun to do, so I hope you all enjoy it!

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Masashi Kishimoto does.**

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Sakura wakes up most days thinking that today will be different. That, today, instead of full-grown Shinobi coming into her ER with broken legs from traps they set themselves (and _learned_ to set in the Academy), she'll have full-grown Shinobi coming in with broken legs from drop-kicking enemies, or having them snapped by a Doton, or something that isn't horrifically embarrassing to put in her case file.

But, like most days, today is _not_ different and with every jerk of her arm, she is one centimeter closer to ripping out her eyeball with her suturing needle and putting an end to her misery.

"Sakura-chan, that…kind of hurts," Shisui Uchiha says. Sakura scowls and yanks harder than necessary on the suture before tying it off. She's only on the fifth one and, if she's eyeballing ( _heh_ ) it right, she's got about fifteen more to go. She sends out a brief sliver of chakra, something Tsunade will slaughter her for later, and probes the general area of the cut. The lidocaine seems to be holding for now.

"Good," she snaps as she starts her next suture. "Maybe if it hurts now you'll think twice before doing something stupid like this again."

Shisui opens and closes his mouth in rapid succession, eyeing her hand. Sakura huffs and ties this one off before moving up. Life would be _so_ much easier if she had access to her chakra, but no, she just _had_ to go on that _stupid_ mission with her _stupid_ teammates and the testosterone ridden _idiots_ just _had_ to one up each other and whip out their _entire fucking arsenal_ and not only deplete themselves of chakra, but cause a Rasengan-come-Chidori induced rock-slide that Sakura then had to use whatever remained of her chakra to stop, and then _she_ had to deplete _herself_ making sure those two idiots would stay awake long enough to walk the entire way back. Hence ER duty with no chakra.

One stitch later, Sakura realizes all of her life's problems can be directly traced back to people whose last names start with 'U'.

Fuckers.

"In my defense, I didn't intend for this," Shisui finally responds.

"You're a child prodigy! One of our best ANBU!"

"Oi! Keep it on the DL-"

"Oh, shut up, it's an open secret you're ANBU. Even my coma patient upstairs knows you're ANBU. The NICU probably knows you're ANBU. God, you drive me _insane._ How is it possible that you have one of the most advanced Sharingan in the clan and you manage to pull off some shit I'd expect from a civilian?" Sakura picks up a pair of suture scissors and whirls around to the door, where a group of nurses have gathered. Her upper lip curls, and she makes sure to angle her bloody hand in a way that catches the most light as she snarls, "What? Is the Daimyou getting married in here? Get back to work and _shut the damn door_."

Shisui whistles appreciatively, a noise that quickly turns into a low whine as she turns back to him and picks up where she left off. "Damn, Sakura-chan, you can be _scary_."

"Oh, no, I'm not letting you go that easily. How did you manage to do _this-_ " she waves her hand over the long cut on his forearm. "With a fucking tin can lid?"

" _Well_." Shisui puffs out his chest (and very quickly flinches when she starts suture number ten) and begins. "As you know, Sasu-chan is bedridden after that mission he went on with you, which, by the way, I have to ask-" A vein pops in her temple and he coughs. "Er, never mind. So I decided to make him falafel's and that requires chickpeas, right? So I got a can of chickpeas, and my stupid baby cousin, all tired of being in bed, decided to show me how to crack that sucker open with a kunai. How reckless! So I bravely started wrestling him for the can, and he managed to rip open a bit of the lid. In our continued tussle, the can slipped down and cut my arm open and here I am!" He throws his functional arm out in a 'see what I mean?' gesture.

"Shisui?" Sakura says with a sweet smile that's a textbook juxtaposition with her bloodless fingers gripping the suture. "I _personally_ -" she ties the suture, snips off the excess, and moves up for the fifteenth and final suture. "Tended to Sasuke. His arms are in braces from Raiton damage. _Try again_."

"The can opener was rusty so I tried to open the can with a kunai and that didn't work so I used my tanto and the can slipped. I tried to catch it with my arms but it kinda sliced me up," Shisui says in the same monotone he uses when giving ANBU reports to Tsunade-sama.

Sakura bursts into laughter.

"I am offended by your lack of professional courtesy and will be making a subsequent complaint to Tsunade-sama," Shisui says. He's a good actor; he's drawn back and got that 'I want to speak to your manager' frown on, but the corners of his lips are twitching like he's ten seconds away from breaking into giggles with her.

Sakura shakes her head, snaps on a new pair of gloves, and dresses his battle scar with a freshly unboxed set of gauze and wraps. Once she's done, she discards the waste in the bin and turns back to him with a fond smile on her face.

"You're going to report your own wife to her boss?"

Shisui rolls his eyes and sticks his arms out childishly, opening and closing his fists in a 'gimmie, gimmie' motion. Sakura sinks into his warm chest and sighs when he bars his arms around her tightly. "I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass."

"Love you too!" Shisui chirps.

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 **A/N:** we were robbed of canon Shisui. d.

-Eien


End file.
